Matt Millen Has Ruined My Life

Photo Courtesy of Mr. Irrelevant.

Matt Millen did this to me. Life can be hard as a seven-year-old, but it's a million times harder when you're a Lions fan that just doesn't know any better. Unlike the other kids across America, I have very little to look forward to on Sundays when my "team" takes the field in "competition." All I wanted this year was to watch my Lions finally win some games and make me proud. You killed that Mr. Millen. My daddy thought introducing me to football would teach me how to be a man, and be a great way to bond, but being a Lions fan has only sent my world into confusion. Fans like to dress up for games to honor their teams. The only way to honor mine is to dress accordingly, hence the pussy face paint. Now, thanks to you Millen, I'm going to spend my school days getting my ass kicked because all the other kids that are smart enough to know not go to Lions games will be giving me wedgies and shoving me into lockers. I'll probably miss a few days of school because of the head injuries and fail the 2nd grade. Because of your terrible drafts, I'll never get a proper education, and I'll never be able to find a good job. I'll be too poor to own a TV, let alone eat, but rest assured I can still go to Lions games, because the seats will always be open and people can't give them away. Hell, I'll probably spend the rest of my poor, homeless life as a Lions fan, hoping for them to finally crawl out of the hole you've dug, crying to myself while performing various homosexual favors for KFC coupons. Think of that image while you try to sleep in your forty-bedroom mansion that you didn't earn. My sexual ambiguity and crushed dreams are a direct result of your mismanagement. And you're mad you didn't get paid for the job you did.