Stiney’s office, 8/11/2009 4:00 PM, Blacksburg, VA
BS: Oh shit, OH SHIT what am I going to do?! Evans was the best thing to happen me since my dad died and I used the money to keep Frank from firing me two years ago! I am so screwed.
Door Opens, Trainer Mike Goforth Enters
BS: What’s the word Mike? It’s just a sprain, right? Nothing too serious? Oh God…
Goforth: It’s a full ACL tear coach. Darren’s going to have to sit out this year. He's got a long road to recovery ahead of him.
BS: (sobs) Hold me…
Goforth: Get a hold of yourself Bryan! You’re a great offensive coach. You can find a way to get by without Evans…HAHAHAHAHA who am I kidding…you’re in deeper shit than a Taco Bell janitor on free burrito day!
BS: I know…what will I do? Who will run my draws? Who will run straight into the line on fourth and goal from the nine when we choose to go for it and I can’t choose the right play? Who will sing me to sleep at night?!
Goforth: I don’t know man, but you better lay low when Terrence Cody takes Tyrod out for a nice steak dinner and never calls him again. He’s gonna have his way with us in that Chicken Kickoff Thingy. Ty doesn’t stand chance against ‘Bama without a decent run game!
BS: Oh God…you’re right. It’s almost like having to go up against…
BAM!! Door is Kicked Down…snorting Bud Foster Enters
Foster: WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS CRYING I’M HEARING!!! WHAT IS YOUR GODDAMNED MALFUNCTION Stineshit?!?!
BS: Well, SIR, our best offensive player is going to be out for the year and I don’t know what we can do.
Foster: Listen here chump, I don’t give a shit if you are a “great” recruiter…I’M SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING MY DEFENSE DRAGGED DOWN BY YOUR TERRIBLE OFFENSE.
BS: But where would we have gotten all that talent to lead us to three ACC championships in five years?
Foster: F*&# your talent. I could turn a goddamned dog turd into an all-ACC linebacker…what the hell can you do? CERTAINLY NOT COACH FOR SHIT!
BS: But we’re seeing improvement…the offensive line is much more experienced and athletic…
Foster: JUST LIKE THE LAST FIVE YEARS! I hear that every year and yet my guys can run through them like they’re SWISS CHEESE.
BS: I promise we’ll do better sir. I have these great screen passes drawn up that should help us put up at least two touchdowns on Duke.
Foster: You’re going to need a screen this year…when I shove my foot so far up your ass they’ll have to screen for throat cancer from the tar I got on the bottom of my boots you piece of shit! I’M SICK OF LOSING GAMES WHEN WE GIVE YOU GUYS THE BALL ON THE GODDAMN 20 YARD LINE!!!!!!
BS: (on knees) Please sir, give me one more chance…we’ve got great young guys that will make our offense better like David Wilson and Ryan Williams. They’re really explosive.
Foster: JUST LIKE EDDIE ROYAL AND F@#$%* JOSH MORGAN?! WE’VE HAD THE ATHLETES FOR YEARS! IT’S YOUR SHITTY COACHING THAT'S THE PROBLEM!
BS: (now sobbing): I swear we’ll be better! I’ll even wash your car every week, take out your trash and do your laundry all season!
Foster: OK you sniveling little shit. One more shot. But if you drag us down this year, you’ll be doing more than laundry…you’ll be picking out my skid marks with your teeth!!
Foster storms out
BS: (breathes sigh of relief) I think that went well, don’t you?