Jim Weaver is Sheila Broflovski

For the theme of September, I thought it would be fun to do a little riff off of my favorite show and put a DMV personality to characters in South Park. We’ll start with minor characters and build up to the main characters. I’ll give a description of each character, the personality (or personalities) and why they compare.

This one goes out to all the Virginia Tech students that have had to endure the tyrannical reign of Jim Weaver as the head of the athletic department. Our old arguments against ol' Weaver were his overall annoyance with any kickoff after 12 PM, and managing to arrange 15 year long contracts with programs like East Carolina. Fortunately, Weaver's scheduling ability has somewhat improved (although Furman and W. Kentucky were WEAK last season). Unfortunately, while not working out deals to play Alabama and Boise State, Weaver has sucked all the fun out of Blacksburg. This is where our comparison comes in:

Sheila Broflovski is a stay-at-home mother. As a result of hearing something shocking or inappropriate, she is often heard exclaiming "WHAT, WHAT, WHAT!?", saying each word in rapid succession and putting more emphasis on the last "what". Sheila has been depicted as being a huge fan of Barbra Streisand.

Like Sheila, Jim Weaver supposedly wants "the best" for athletic events in Blacksburg, and has done quite a bit towards in improving our status as a major competitor in multiple sports (i.e. new basketball facility, baseball facility, soccer stadium). However, his overprotective nature has carried over, and consequently pissed off a large percentage of Hokie Nation. Like Sheila, who forbids Kyle from going to heavy metal concerts and seeing naughty movies like Terrance and Phillip, Jim Weaver wants no part of any debauchery and merriment that could take place outside, or inside Lane Stadium on gamedays. He has all but banished tailgating from campus, told fans that they cannot throw footballs in the parking lots, and eliminated the fan-favorite "Stick It In" cadence. He even threatened the drumline with expulsion from the Marching Virginians if they played it. Luckily, he has his hands so far up Dave McKee's butt (who would be cast as Gerald, Sheila's husband, and is the "director" of the MVs), that McKee even threatened one of my good friends who is an MV and started a Facebook group protesting Weaver's tyranny.

But that's not all. Jim Weaver took the fight to our pregame entrance. He insisted that both teams run out of their respective tunnels together, as to prevent booing from the fans. BOOING. At a football game. Sounds kind of like how Sheila didn't want her son to play hockey even though he was born in Canada. The sportsmanship aspect is one thing. Don't go picking fights with opposing fans. Welcome them to Blacksburg, but when their team runs on the field, you boo and scream until your lungs hurt. Weaver also tried to do a "We Are Marshall/Penn State" deal after the 4-16 shootings, which I still find lame and not exciting. I like our "Let's Go Hokies" better any day of the week. But while Weaver is an overprotective, oversensitive sissy, he does seem to have the good of the athletic department at heart.*

*I would just like to acknowledge that I wrote an entire post about Jim Weaver and didn't flip out or make a Parkinsons joke. Guess he wouldn't want me to shake things up...ZING! So much for that.

UVA Fans are "The Goth Kids"

For the theme of September, I thought it would be fun to do a little riff off of my favorite show and put a DMV personality to characters in South Park. We’ll start with minor characters and build up to the main characters. I’ll give a description of each character, the personality (or personalities) and why they compare.

The Goth Kids in South Park have a distorted view of society, their own social status, and strive to be unique and different. However, in their efforts to be individuals, they in fact conform to a different stereotype, and end up looking awkward and lame. They carry an elitist attitude and don’t have very many friends. Sound familiar? It also describes a certain type of football fan: the Wahoo.

The Goth Kids frequently display double standards in their talks about conformity, and are often presented as ridiculous, though they are also occasionally portrayed in a sympathetic light. The Goth kids are easily provoked, and are very protective of their image. The Goth kids rarely attend classes and prefer to sit around all day listening to goth music, drinking coffee, and smoking.

Just like “The Goth Kids,” UVA fans buck the social norms of college fandom, rocking their bowties, blazers and sundresses. Things like cheering, drinking beer before games, and celebrating a touchdown with a fight song are too low-brow for the disciples of Thomas Jefferson. They have to look fancy, speak differently, and act in a “traditional southern manner” that are all better than the typical, heathen football fan. By trying to stand out as a unique fan base, they end up looking stupid and out of place. You might say they’re as out of place at a football game as a middle-class white kid that wears a black trench coat with eyeliner to match.

“The Good Old Song,” (which takes its melody from Auld Lang Syne), while traditional, does not pump one up, and certainly fits better with a New Years’ celebration than a touchdown celebration. Much like the angry, non-conformist music that “The Goth Kids” enjoy, it seems out of place. Finally, UVA fans like to draw their athletic elitism from interesting places. A typical UVA fan does not brag about football or basketball. Rather, they put up a wall of cockiness built upon their numerous lacrosse, soccer, and Chinese checkers national championships. Like UVA, The Goth Kids are particularly proud of odd things, like their clothing choices, musical preferences, and most of all, their strong dependence on coffee. Like UVA fans, they consider themselves to be unique and special, but in reality, no one wants to be anything like them.

Jim Zorn is Big Gay Al

For the theme of September, I thought it would be fun to do a little riff off of my favorite show and put a DMV personality to characters in South Park. We’ll start with minor characters and build up to the main characters. I’ll give a description of each character, the personality (or personalities) and why they compare.

I tried really hard to figure out the best character to personify the Redskins’ head coach; however I was unsuccessful in finding a main character for the guy. When I thought long and hard about it (no pun intended), Big Gay Al just fit the guy perfectly. Check it out:

Big Gay Al is a stereotypical homosexual man known for his flamboyant and positive demeanor. For example, he almost always responds to the greeting "How are you?" with an upbeat "I'm super! Thanks for asking!"

No, I don’t think the Big Whistle is gay…far from it. But it does take a bit of a goofy, flamboyant guy to cheer “Hip, Hip, Hooray” in an NFL locker room after a victory, as well as a guy with some charisma. Zorn always tries to use his “stay medium” attitude with his team and the media, but it never really comes off that way. His “aw shucks” demeanor and positive spin with the Dan Snyder-owned media comes off a little TOO optimistic sometimes, and he’s not a fiery kind of coach, but his energy can get the job done.

Like Al, who provided refuge for disowned gay pets, Zorn has welcomed some “reject” players with open arms. Guys like Shaun Alexander, Mike Williams, DeAngelo Hall, and DJ Hackett weren’t welcome with their old teams, but Zorn gave them a place to call home. Zorn is too kind hearted to let guys like that just sit on the street, even if other teams found something wrong with them. Even Jim knows that some guys just need a change of scenery to flourish.

Al Groh is Tuong Lu Kim (City Wok Guy)

For the theme of September, I thought it would be fun to do a little riff off of my favorite show and put a DMV (all DC, Maryland, and Virginia) personality to characters in South Park. We’ll start with minor characters and build up to the main characters. I’ll give a description of each character, the personality (or personalities) and why they compare.

I thought after such a tough weekend, we could all use a good laugh at the expense of our good ol’ buddy from Charlottesville, Mr. Al Groh. Groh is left to pick up the pieces after watching his Cavaliers fall 26-14 to the William & Mary Tribe on Saturday. Like Mr. Kim, the sole proprietor of the City Wok in South Park, Groh doesn’t have many people buying what he’s selling.

City Wok Guy, is a stereotypical Chinese character, prone to mispronouncing the word "city" as "shitty", and pronouncing R's instead of L's. Kim’s main job is the owner of City Wok, a Chinese take out service. In "Child Abduction Is Not Funny", he is established to be an expert at building walls, a stereotypical parody of the Chinese building of the Great Wall of China, although his efforts are thwarted by a pack of Mongolians.

Like Kim, Groh’s efforts to build something successful and keep alumni and fans happy are thwarted by the likes of Western Michigan and Middle Tennessee, outsmarting and ultimately overpowering him. Even when he’s successful, Virginia Tech still outperforms him like PF Chang’s does to City Wok. Plus, he can’t even get the basic X’s and O’s down, much like Mr. Kim’s difficulty with the basics of the English language…it’s all foreign to him.